All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind

I work in a small accountant’s office. There’s not really much to say other than that; it’s exactly as you would imagine a small accountant’s office to be. We are nominally part of a massive firm, with offices all over the world, but in our little outpost you’d never know it.

The office is tiny; nine of us crowded together in one room. Any time anyone makes a phone call, everyone stops what they’re doing and listens, whilst conducting ever more elaborate pretences of not listening. Any time anyone gets a cold, it’s a week of total disgust for everyone else (well, me anyway) at having to deal with someone else’s germs at close quarters, before, inevitably, everyone succumbs. Euch.

Inside the office itself, it's a morgue. No happy banter, no chat at all really. Communication with any like-minded person is only achieved through surreptitious emails. This would be understandable, if everyone was working really hard, but in actual fact, as far as I can tell from my prime position in the corner of the room, nobody is doing anything.

The absolute worst thing about working here though – worse than the pale grey walls, the mountains of files on every conceivable space, worse than the lack of soap in the ladies’ loo (that’s three weeks now) and worse even than the lack of decent coffee, is the other people.
As a quick flavour, let me introduce you to the key players.

Boss Number One (B1). Pompous, self-righteous, extremely ‘busy and important’. Comes from deepest darkest Manchester but speaks with a ridiculous faux-RP accent, because he thinks it will impress people. A nice guy when you get him away from the office, but laughable in a work scenario. Panics a lot.

Boss Number Two (B2). Promoted to the same level as B1 last year, pretends that career advancement, power etc mean nothing to him. Never does any work, but farms it all out to minions (i.e. me) and then inevitably takes all the credit. Spends all day every day reading about Liverpool FC online. Gets extremely angry if he actually has to do anything work related.

Office Manager (OM). Impossible to analyse. As nice as pie to you most of the time, then cold and cutting when you least expect it. Thinks she knows more about accountancy than the accountants. Has successfully convinced herself (and B1 and B2) that the office would fall apart if she wasn’t here. She’s been on holiday. It didn’t.

Office Lothario. Same level of qualification as me, although you wouldn’t think it to listen to him. Very full of own importance; talks loudly and often about relocating to the City, where he would be fully appreciated. Wish he would. Tries it on with every office temp that comes into his orbit, and regularly has four dates in a weekend (according to him). Suspect he actually spends his weekends eating pizza and washing his socks. Not even decent eye candy, so no use at all really.

Evil Co-Worker. Cruella only started recently, but has made a huge impression. Not in a good way. Came from a large, well-known accountancy firm and thus believes herself greatly superior to all of us. Strongly suspect she left under a cloud. Frequently asks me technical questions, despite being several years more qualified than me. Pretty unpopular with everyone, although B2 thinks the sun shines out of her. The rest of us are waiting for that to change. Or for her to bugger off back to her old job.

So, you see what I have to deal with. There are more people, but that gives you a general idea. They’re not all awful – one girl, Lisa, is actually normal, and generally responsible for keeping me sane on a daily basis. She’s also brilliant at her job. Unfortunately, she’s only on a temporary contract and will be leaving in two months, as there’s not enough work to go round, now that Cruella’s been hired. Nonsensical, illogical and very, very angry-making…that’s just the way B1 and B2 roll.