I am having a crisis.
It's taken me a while to come back to this blog, because I was just living, just getting through the day and out of the door. It's taken me over a month to get to the point where I can admit that it's all going wrong. But it is.
I haven't a clue what started it. One day, I was getting up, going to work, coming home, hanging out with people, laughing. The next, I couldn't drag myself out of bed. I started getting into work later and later, wearing less and less make-up until I gave up altogether, wearing clothes I had worn the day before because, lying on the floor next to my bed, they were the closest to hand.
In the office, I have been doing nothing. All day every day. We are quiet at the moment anyway because of the recession, but I still have things sitting on my desk. Little things - tasks that would take half an hour at the most. But I can't bring myself to do them, and instead I lie awake at night worrying about the fact that they're so overdue and wondering when I will get caught.
Luke has been working long hours, and I have been getting home, throwing some food in the oven, and sitting down with a bottle of wine in front of the tv. Washing up sits undone until we completely run out of mugs. Bills are unpaid. The whole house needs a good clean, especially since my parents in law are coming to stay this weekend.
I really want to snap myself out of this. I do. I wake up in the morning full of good intentions, but then the weight of the day bears down on me and they all fall by the wayside. My car tax needs renewing. I'm not entirely sure the car is still insured. These are things that MUST be sorted out - but the thought just makes me want to go back to bed.
The worst thing of all though, the loneliest feeling, is that nobody knows about my crisis except me. No one - not even my husband - has any idea how I'm feeling. Although I'm late for work every day and don't do a thing, no one has noticed. Although I'm always half-cut when he gets home, and dinner is usually burnt, Luke hasn't noticed. And I certainly haven't had the energy to socialise recently - so none of my friends have noticed.
Things are still good between Luke and I - he puts my irrational behaviour down to me being tired, and since I just want to spend most of my time lying in bed with his arms around me, this works quite well. I still love him more than anything. And I know he feels the same way about me. But even so.
I really feel alone.
