I am having a crisis.
It's taken me a while to come back to this blog, because I was just living, just getting through the day and out of the door. It's taken me over a month to get to the point where I can admit that it's all going wrong. But it is.
I haven't a clue what started it. One day, I was getting up, going to work, coming home, hanging out with people, laughing. The next, I couldn't drag myself out of bed. I started getting into work later and later, wearing less and less make-up until I gave up altogether, wearing clothes I had worn the day before because, lying on the floor next to my bed, they were the closest to hand.
In the office, I have been doing nothing. All day every day. We are quiet at the moment anyway because of the recession, but I still have things sitting on my desk. Little things - tasks that would take half an hour at the most. But I can't bring myself to do them, and instead I lie awake at night worrying about the fact that they're so overdue and wondering when I will get caught.
Luke has been working long hours, and I have been getting home, throwing some food in the oven, and sitting down with a bottle of wine in front of the tv. Washing up sits undone until we completely run out of mugs. Bills are unpaid. The whole house needs a good clean, especially since my parents in law are coming to stay this weekend.
I really want to snap myself out of this. I do. I wake up in the morning full of good intentions, but then the weight of the day bears down on me and they all fall by the wayside. My car tax needs renewing. I'm not entirely sure the car is still insured. These are things that MUST be sorted out - but the thought just makes me want to go back to bed.
The worst thing of all though, the loneliest feeling, is that nobody knows about my crisis except me. No one - not even my husband - has any idea how I'm feeling. Although I'm late for work every day and don't do a thing, no one has noticed. Although I'm always half-cut when he gets home, and dinner is usually burnt, Luke hasn't noticed. And I certainly haven't had the energy to socialise recently - so none of my friends have noticed.
Things are still good between Luke and I - he puts my irrational behaviour down to me being tired, and since I just want to spend most of my time lying in bed with his arms around me, this works quite well. I still love him more than anything. And I know he feels the same way about me. But even so.
I really feel alone.
Feel free to ignore this dribble if you like. I just had to say something since I have felt like this too.
ReplyDeleteHi, I'm Janice; I’m 23. I have the same sort of problem right now; I'm just getting out of my winter funk. Thank goodness spring is finally here. I've had to deal with mild depression since puberty and it sucks. And at certain times of the month (or dreary times of the year) it doesn't feel mild.
Forget any medical issues (diet, exercise, and medication), you are fundamentally the one in control of how you feel. You have to set aside the desire to do what's easiest or trying to ignore your problems. It won't work trust me; you'll feel better if you just try.
Advice 1: How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. At work, pick one of the overdue jobs and get it done. Try not to worry about 12 at once, because you will feel overwhelmed and you know you can manage one at a time.
Advice 2: Tell someone, or even better ask for a little help. I recommend your husband or a close family member. If you're embarrassed, just say you haven't been feeling quite like yourself and you’re trying to get back to feeling normal - it's true isn't it? Then if you have a bad day you can complain to them for 5 minutes (but not continually, although you will feel like doing that sometimes). If they say stupid things like ‘why?’ or ‘deal with it’ that make you feel bad, don’t go on the defensive; just try to explain very simply and calmly. My mom’s always a help to me, because she’s had to deal with depression, too.
Advice 3: Don't forget to do something you like. Coming home tired and frustrated every day doesn't leave you feeling like doing anything, but something fun to look forward to will help. Plan a night out or a night in with friends, or get a hobby (I like papercrafts and baking), or have a bubblebath with chocolates. A funny movie or TV show is a favourite of mine.
Hope this helps. Good luck.
(SanisiUK@aol.com is my email if you’re interested. I know I wouldn’t mind a buddy who knows what this feels like.)
Thanks for that, really - it amazes me this internet malarkey, I forget sometimes that people are reading the rubbish I put out there. It's such a help though to know someone understands how it all feels...Thank you.
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